so i’ve worked at my current workplace for seven and a half years – it’s the
this is a private message to whomever is putting the X-acto blades away wrong. if you put away the X-acto blades blade-down like a normal human being, feel free to stop reading now and delete this message. however if you are the culprit, please read on.
[CO-WORKER] just tried to grab something from the organizer thingie that holds all our X-acto blades and scissors and whatnot and guess what happened? he accidentally stabbed himself on the X-acto blade that you left blade-up!
you knew it was bound to happen one of these days. i myself have come extremely close to getting stabbed by your little blade traps at least three times so far, and every time i do i wonder what is going through your mind when you set it. i wonder about your childhood and your parenting – about your mental health and IQ. i wonder if you’re doing it on–purpose or if you’re completely unaware every time you do it. i wonder if it’s a compulsion or if you have a dual identity – like a sadistic, blood-starved Tyler Durden. i wonder if you’re read my previous emails and ignored them, or if you didn’t even think i was talking to you.
the truth is, i’d rather not be writing this email right now – my third on the subject. i’d rather be making myself a delightful mint tea with honey and just a dash of milk. i don’t like being forced to state excruciatingly obvious things about the nature of razors and fingers and common sense, but bravo, sir (or madam)! you’ve done it again! you’ve wasted my time again. AND you’ve caused poor [CO-WORKER] actuall physical pain and the need to recall when he got his last tetinus shot.
so this is the deal. this is how we’re going to play this. i hereby take away all your X-acto rights here at the ole [OFFICE NAME]. you may no longer touch the X-acto knives in the office … at all. feel free to buy as many X-actos as you want and bring them home, to your own apartment, condo or cave somewhere, and go ahead and put them blade-up in as many receptacles as you wish wherever you want! go crazy! but under this roof, your X-acto rights have been hereby revoked.
now since i don’t know who you are, i can’t actually enforce this myself … yet. but if you keep going, one of these days you’re gonna slip up and somebody’s gonna notice. you’ll look around to make sure nobody’s looking, but you won’t see that i’ve painted myself blue and that i’m hiding behind the recycling container watching you. or that somebody else just happened to turn the corner just as you were setting your little trap. word will get back to me and i will discover who you are and from that moment on, you’ll have no more X-acto rights. i will make sure everybody in the office knows you’re the culprit and i will deputize every other person in the office to help me keep an eye on you.
so just save yourself the embarrassment and the humiliation and stop using the X-actos without adult supervision … OR just try putting them back blade-down from now on so we never have to talk about this ever again.